Well i am home with a kidney infecion- I am falling apart. It has been a rough couple of weeks. I dont' know why I have never been good enough for my mom. I know in my head that it is not about me- it is about the family dynamics and yada yada. My heart does not see that though. My heart is hurt and sad for the rejection, yet again, and the verbal abuse that my son and I went through. I am so thankful for a heavenly father who loves me without condition or criteria.

stuf

I have not blogged in a while been to busy playing farmville on FB.

Jordan and Catherine sent a newletter. I have to say that it blessed my heart as well as the others I sent it to.

He is seeing God in a different way while in Romania. He is remaking himself so to speak.

Everything is the same here. We are trying to get business going and that is stressful.

I go back to work in a few weeks. Daniel leaves in a couple of weeks for Asbury.

children

As a mom the last almost 21 years have been focused on my sons. Praying for them, trying to train them to be men of God, and staying after them to clean up- do their homework- etc.

Now Jordan is Romania and Daniel will leave in a few weeks to college in Ky. I have discovered it is not ending. Now my prayers and concerns are that they will first love God and serve him, that they will find a carrier that they enjoy, and that they meet and marry women of God.

Being a mom is a life long job and journey. I would not trade it for anythin

scripture

God has been so faithful to provide me scripture to hold on to through this time. I have come to a place where the scriptures are not just words, they are real. I can truly pray blessing, joy and peace on them. It has been difficult when we are struggling with specific trials. With God all things are possible. Teresa the sister of my heart sent me the following scripture. God had put it on her heart to pray this and when I told her about the above she sent this to me. My prayer would be for Howard family member to see the error of his way and repents and turns to God. We will not ask for the money back,(Luke 6:28-30, 28 bless those who curse you, and pray for those who spitefully use you. 29 To him who strikes you on the one cheek, offer the other also. And from him who takes away your cloak, do not withhold your tunic either. 30 Give to everyone who asks of you. And from him who takes away your goods do not ask them back.) just that he would not take more of what does not belong to him. Deuteronomy 28:1-13 Blessings on Obedience 1 “Now it shall come to pass, if you diligently obey the voice of the LORD your God, to observe carefully all His commandments which I command you today, that the LORD your God will set you high above all nations of the earth. 2 And all these blessings shall come upon you and overtake you, because you obey the voice of the LORD your God:3 “Blessed shall you be in the city, and blessed shall you be in the country. 4 “Blessed shall be the fruit of your body, the produce of your ground and the increase of your herds, the increase of your cattle and the offspring of your flocks. 5 “Blessed shall be your basket and your kneading bowl. 6 “Blessed shall you be when you come in, and blessed shall you be when you go out. 7 “The LORD will cause your enemies who rise against you to be defeated before your face; they shall come out against you one way and flee before you seven ways. 8 “The LORD will command the blessing on you in your storehouses and in all to which you set your hand, and He will bless you in the land which the LORD your God is giving you. 9 “The LORD will establish you as a holy people to Himself, just as He has sworn to you, if you keep the commandments of the LORD your God and walk in His ways. 10 Then all peoples of the earth shall see that you are called by the name of the LORD, and they shall be afraid of you. 11 And the LORD will grant you plenty of goods, in the fruit of your body, in the increase of your livestock, and in the produce of your ground, in the land of which the LORD swore to your fathers to give you. 12 The LORD will open to you His good treasure, the heavens, to give the rain to your land in its season, and to bless all the work of your hand. You shall lend to many nations, but you shall not borrow. 13 And the LORD will make you the head and not the tail; you shall be above only, and not be beneath, if you heed the commandments of the LORD your God, which I command you today, and are careful to observe them. 14 So you shall not turn aside from any of the words which I command you this day, to the right or the left, to go after other gods to serve them.

rambling

I have been thinking. Life is strange. Our hope is that it has meaning. There are things that we can try to make it mean something. No matter what we strive for outside of God it has no value or meaning. Faith and hope in Jesus is the only way that we can know that our life means anything. Struggles are a part of the world that we live in. How we handle those struggles is what defines us as believers. Do we trust God to bring us through? Do we believe that God is in control and that he will see us through?

Family is everything. I am so thankful for each family member shown here.

They are gifts from God.

Daniel

My sweet Daniel. I am so proud of the man of God that he is becomming. He has a sweet spirit and desires to serve God. He is strong in his faith and is unwilling to compromise on what he believes. He is smart, muscially talented and has persistance in anything he attempts.

Jordan

Jordan is in Romania after spending 28 hours in the airport in NY. He got about 5 hours sleep before having to go to a childrens camp for 2 weeks.

He will not be able to communicate for these two weeks due to no internet access.

My prayer for him is that he will grow in his love for God. More than that is that he will see how much God loves him

stuggle

This has been a year of change. We have had several difficult things to happen. I am convinced that God is cleaning out the relationships that have been a drain to our family. Howard and I are weary with people expecting us to emotionally and finically be their providers. We have done this to the point it affects our family. We will continue to give where and when God directs. We will continue to open our home and hearts to others. We will however be more careful and search God more. Our first priority is to God after that it is to our sons. The actions and attitudes several people is hurting our son's and we can not allow that to continue. We have sought God through prayer and reading the word and have peace in God that we have made the correct choices. There are many generational curses and spiritual strongholds that are in play here. We have to take a stand against them and to chose to break them in our family- we did this years ago. Now we are at the place that we do not open our family to the affect of these strongholds. We will not entertain them. This is probably the hardest place we have been. It hurts and saddens us that the actions of certian people have brought us to this place. Have we been perfect? No. Have we made mistakes? Yes. Do we hope to learn and become stronger in God through this? Absolutely. My caution to anyone who would like to judge in this area is until you have walked here be careful to judge.

Faith and stuggle

Hebrews 11:1-3 1 Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. 2 For by it the elders obtained a good testimony.3 By faith we understand that the worlds were framed by the word of God, so that the things which are seen were not made of things which are visible. My hope is that through this tuff year that my family will grow closer to God and that our faith will increase. Also that we will know what God is wanting us to learn. Some very hard choices have had to be made and some heartbreaking incidents have happend. I pray that we continue to seek God and to honor him. Seeking God appears to be evident as Jordan is currently in Romania seeking and serving God, Daniel will be going off to Asbury, I am praying more than in a long time, and Howard is totally trusting God and seeing Gods hand at work. I have prayed about the issues that we have had to deal with this year and God has shown me the following verses. First I have to say when Howard and I were engaged we made some choices that have protected us and helped us throughout the years. We would always open our home, never cosingn a loan for anyone and we would never loan anyone money unless we were in agreement. We have added to that - we would not expect it to be paid back. So we do not loan anyone money unless we can feel that it is a gift. 2 Corinthians 9:7-11 7 So let each one give as he purposes in his heart, not grudgingly or of necessity; for God loves a cheerful giver. 8 And God is able to make all grace abound toward you, that you, always having all sufficiency in all things, may have an abundance for every good work. 9 As it is written: “ He has dispersed abroad, He has given to the poor; His righteousness endures forever.”10 Now may He who supplies seed to the sower, and bread for food, supply and multiply the seed you have sown and increase the fruits of your righteousness, 11 while you are enriched in everything for all liberality, which causes thanksgiving through us to God. We have truly had to trust God that there is a reason and purpose for the things that have gone on this year. Romans 8:27-28 27 Now He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He makes intercession for the saints according to the will of God. 28 And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. We do love God and we are called according to his purpose. Does this mean we are perfect- no. It means that our hearts desire is to follow God and we strive to glorify HIM.

Jordan

Jordan is now in Romania. I am so glad that he is searching for the Lord.

Jordan is a gifted young man full of promise. He is smart, musically talented, can write poetry and prose, and is funny.

Can you tell I am proud of who he is.